What no one tells you ... about being pregnant!

I consider myself a fairly educated person. That being said, there are a few things I've learned over the past 4+ months. These are things that I have never readily seen posted on a website, I've never heard amongst my friends who are pregnant and, in many ways I suppose, are taboo in mentioning. It's like the guy who created the, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" rule also insisted that for future procreation — some things about pregnancy must stay under wraps. But, I'm saying to hell with it. After all, I might later use this blog as a reminder if I ever get baby amnesia and decide I want to try this again.

1. Horror Stories. I think it's fairly common knowledge that having an infant is trying work. However, what I never realized is the amount of infant/birth horror stories that people regale you with while you're sporting a bump. And these little tales don't come with s'mores (i.e. the benefit of campfire horror stories). Thus far I've been told I'll never be able to read a book, take a long shower, sleep in or in general relax again. That labor is so mind-numbingly painful that the horror can't fully be expressed in words. That epidurals sometimes don't work. And, that even when I can sleep, it will likely elude me for fear that my baby will asphxiate, throw themselves out of bed, attempt escape but get stuck between the crib bars or (worst nightmare) cry out without my noticing it. Note to parents out there ... there's no going back on this situation and all these things I'll figure out myself. Please stop with the scare tactic.

2. Body awareness. I think that I'm typically in touch with what's going on in my body. I can tell when I'm catching a cold. I'm smart enough to predict a hangover and its violent side effects. But, I never was as aware of what's going on inside me as I am now. If my boobs grow a centimeter, I notice it. I feel stretching in my stomach. And, during the first trimester, I could tell you down to the minute when I was going to throw up. It's uncanny. I know me too well!

3. Lack of sympathy. My husband might be one of the kindest men alive (and I'm not just saying that because his mom reads this blog). But, he doesn't really understand anything about pregnancy. For instance, I'll say "I'm so uncomfortable." And he'll reply, "Yeah me too ... it's sorta cold in here." No, you fool! Everything goes back to this pregnancy. So when I say I'm uncomfortable it's because my boobs are the size of watermelons and that's making my back hurt. Or, my pregnancy spanx are riding up in an unbecoming way. Get with it!

4. Unnecessary attention. This title shouldn't be misunderstood. I love attention! Thrive on it really. After all, that's basically what a blog is right ... a call for attention. And, when I got pregnant, there was a certain amount of attention I wanted. For instance, I wanted to get the seat on a crowded train. I did not want my local barista at a coffee shop to rub my belly and talk about nursery colors. I'm dying for a t-shirt that says, "Ask Before You Touch" because no one told me that it would be random strangers who wanted to rub my belly like it's some good luck talisman.

5. Look but don't touch cravings. One of the main questions people ask is "Are you having any strange cravings?" I swear I could choke the person who started that pickles and ice cream rumor. But, the answer is always yes. Yes, I crave things. And these are mostly things I'm not allowed to have because I'm pregnant. Like Feta cheese. My friend Amy swears she's getting me a big block of Feta cheese once this pregnancy is over and I can finally gorge myself on it. I would swim in Feta cheese and I dream about it almost once a week. I also crave Bloody Mary's. Sushi. Mussels. And, mostly, Feta cheese!

All this being said, I know what a blessing having a baby is and I'm excited. I just thought — for everyone out there considering pregnancy – that being fully informed is necessary. "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" guy be damned. So, if you're not pregnant — toast your spouse with a Bloody Mary, enjoy some Feta cheese, be blissfully unaware of what's going on inside you and have a happy Thursday!