My sister, A, was best friends in college with a young lady who we'll call Crazy S. Crazy S wasn't mentally tweaked in the Single White Female kind of way. She was more outrageously wild. In fact, stories about her at WVU were legendary. She once disrupted a cafeteria by jumping from table to table singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" as a hair-netted lunch man chased her. To get into a psych class limited to juniors and seniors, she stood on a conference table and sang Britney Spear's pop hit "Lucky" as she performed the video dance. And my favorite of all legends is that of Anna D. When Anna D. got Crazy S's car towed from a small lot and then refused to pay the corresponding fine, Crazy S made it her business to mess with her. So, when Anna D.'s car wasn't in her parking spot, S and friends would set up folding chairs that had to be moved once she returned. When the car was there, she found buckets of cement and placed them behind her wheels. This went on for weeks until Anna D. caved (as anyone would given this level of mental torture).
I have always had a HUGE affinity for Crazy S and, as her uncle once lived in Chicago, she visits fairly regularly. A night out with Crazy S is sure to lead to fun and sure enough, our adventure/food crawl was a worthy one. (As a side note, S has been asking me to write a short story about her since we met. Darling, this is your tale!).
I got a call from Crazy S late on Monday letting me know that she was spending a few days in the city with her family and would like to see me. It was an impossible invitation to turn down. And so it was that I met her at a hotel bar overlooking the skyline. We chatted with her mom over chardonnay recounting stories of time spent in college. After her mom retired to their room, S revealed that they hadn't gone anywhere good for dinner (or lunch) but had opted for small fast food chains nearby. Now, after living here for three years, I must tell you that Chicago has THE BEST food of any city. Foodies salivate to visit this city as we have a dynamic mix of Americana favorites and upscale fares. So, I couldn't let S suffer. Knowing that she's a huge fan of hotdogs, I suggested we take a trip to Wiener Circle in Lincoln Park where Chicago Dogs are sometimes served alongside the Chocolate Shake (for those of you who know the underlying meaning of this ... pardon my crudeness). Without further ado, we hopped in a cap for a short 2 mile drive to one of my favorite neighborhoods (and the first I ever lived in). I asked the cabbie to drop us off a couple of blocks away so we could pick up dessert first at the delicious cupcake store, Molly's.
Molly's is ALWAYS crowded with a delightful mixture of yuppie parents, adorable children and hipsters looking for a game of scrabble with dessert. We ordered a red velvet cupcake to share and I automatically assumed we would take it to-go and eat it after dinner. To go is not Crazy S's style. So she suggested we share a table with a kind looking couple at the edge of the store. A kind looking couple who was definitely on a date. Not a late in the game, we already really know each other kind of date either. A first or second, we're still asking questions and a little uncomfortable date. So, what about this couldn't go smoothly? As we plopped down at the tiny table, the girls eyes go wide as if to say Is this really happening? Meanwhile S is busy taking pictures on her phone and forwarding them to Facebook while I split our cupcake. Finally, after two interjections into the couple's conversation (one from S regarding a television show factoid that was reiterated incorrectly and one from me regarding a public transportation question), I heard the girl comment that this was awkward before getting up and huffing out of the shop. Her date flashed us a scornful look as if to say Thanks for ruining my chance at some over the blouse action ... or even a good night kiss!
Shortly after they left, so did we ... on our trek to get a Chicago dog. I must admit that that experience was relatively uneventful. While S asked for the Chocolate Shake it was too early in the day. So, we scarfed down the Chicago delicacy that I must admire. Afterwards, I told S about a place nearby that has the best margaritas. So, we decided it would be our last destination. Now, I must tell you that Lincoln Park is a popular area for protesters. Mostly because it's heavily occupied by liberal college students. So, as we walked to the Broadway intersection, there was a large van with a screen on both sides. The screen was showing videos of what happens to chickens and pigs before they're slaughtered. We stood at the edge of the crowd watching the scenes play out. But, as you might have already guess, Crazy S is not a stand at the edge of the crowd kind of gal. Below is my best transcript of what transpired:
Crazy S to a Girl Holding Pamplets (GHP): What's going on here?
GHP: We're protesting for the rights of animals.
Crazy S - grabbing a pamphlet from the girls hand: Lemme see this.
Guy With Microphone (GWM) approaches S and asks: Do you eat meat?
S: Hell yes. I love meat. I just shoved a huge hot dog wiener in my mouth.
GWM salivating now at the prospect of pinning down his opposition. GWM: Don't you think the way animals are treated before they are killed is wrong?
S: Well I don't think that they should be tortured if that's what you mean but I'm also not going to stop eating meat.
GWM: And why not.
S: It tastes good. I eat at least one chilly dog a day.
GWM: So you have no problem with what's happening to those pigs before they're killed.
S: Well, I mean nothing should be tortured. This must be pretty controversial. After all, you're showing it on the side of a van. Right? Right? Am I right?
GWM ... stunned and silent. Me, in the background, looking slightly frightened, mildly embarrassed and hoping to make the next light so this interview will be over.
As we crossed the street, we asked a pencil thin man named Kenny where the interview would be played. He told us it was a documentary to be aired in South Korea. Great! If South Koreans have ever seen an episode of "The Office", they'll be able to read my lips repeatedly say ... "That's what she said!"
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